


A Series of 'If Onlys'

by ruenesca



Category: The Transformers (IDW Generation One)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst, M/M, Survivor Guilt, Unresolved Romantic Tension, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-29
Updated: 2016-08-29
Packaged: 2018-08-11 19:48:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7905358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ruenesca/pseuds/ruenesca
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Basically a ' What if Drift had died and Wing had lived' short story, and Wing’s reaction and thoughts to the Alternate Lost Light</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Series of 'If Onlys'

**Author's Note:**

> This story was inspired by the lovely anna1795 on Tumblr and this awesome prompt and these posts that can be found [here](http://anna1795.tumblr.com/post/148977532512/what-if)
> 
> I swear in the near future that I WILL post a happy story featuring my OTP if it KILLS me dammit! (Or just a happy story in general)

Wing felt himself being lead down the corridors of the Lost Light, not really registering anything, just allowing himself to be gently guided towards….where? He wasn’t sure. 

The events that just transpired on the alternate reality Lost Light still playing in his head. It had been bad enough seeing the mutilated bodies of several of the Autobots he knew and interacted with personally, and then seeing Ratchet’s grey offlined body, eyes gouged out and blaster shots littering his corpse, had left him feeling sick, helpless, and enraged. Then he had learned about the horrors of The Decepticon Justice Division, a group of notorious sadists that tracked down rogue Decepticons and brought them to justice, though they obviously had no qualms about attacking Autobots either as was to be expected. 

Then Wing had seen him, Drift. His armor and plating had been different, but there was no mistaking the facial structure, the finials, and even the great sword that had been…. impaled through his helm, HIS Great sword. (or at least the one that had belonged to the Wing of that dimension) Something must have happened to the alternate Wing for him to have given Drift his sword, but he would never know.

Seeing Drift's lifeless frame had felt like losing him all over again. Even after all this time Wing still felt overwhelming guilt every time he thought about Drift. It was his fault. If only he had trained harder, not let Braid get the upper hand on him. If Drift hadn’t been so unhappy in the city because of him, and kept prisoner against his own will. He wouldn’t have met with the Decepticon Lockdown, the battle wouldn’t have happened, and he would still be alive. It was his fault, his fault, all his slagging fault that the mech he had loved, but had been to much of a coward to admit it at the time, and still loved even now, had offlined. It was all because of him.

Wing felt himself being stopped in front of a door. It’s his hab suite, he finally realized as he somewhat took in his surrounding, though his mind was still mostly in a haze. He vaguely heard the punching in of the keypad to his right, as the door to his suite opened. 

“Thank you Skids, I’ll take him from here.” Wing recognized the slightly raspy vocals as the ship’s medic and his closest friend on the ship. 

“Alright Ratchet, let me know how he’s doing.” Wing felt a light weight on his shoulder, and looked to the side to notice Skid’s servo there. “You hang in there, mech.” Skids said as he gave Wing a sad smile before he headed off.

Wing stood there quietly for a moment, thoughts still swirling through his processor. Wing slowly turned his helm as he noticed soft pedefalls right next to him. “Ratchet?…… You’re here.” Wing kept seeing flashes of Ratchet’s lifeless body everytime he looked at the other mech, but Ratchet is alive and well. Drift….he wasn’t. He was dead, like he had been for a very long time. Dead, like Dai Atlas, Star Saber, most of the other Knights, and like his city. 

“Come on kid. Let’s get you inside.” Ratchet said to him in a soft voice as he gently lead Wing inside. Ratchet helped Wing remove his swords, careful not to physically touch the one on his back as the Great sword was placed in it's sheath. Ratchet sat him down on the berth, helping him settle under the mesh covers, the other mech sat at the foot of the berth. Wing stared at the ceiling as he avoided Ratchet’s piercing gaze.

“They were all dead, every single bot on that ship, even you,“ Wing paused for a moment as he shivers at the memory, feeling a bit of the other bot’s shock, before he finally continued. “I saw him Ratchet. I saw Drift.” Wing said in a voice barely above a whisper. He felt the other bot’s concern bleed through his field. He didn’t deserve Ratchet’s concern over him. 

He would just end up failing him, just as he had Drift, Dai Atlas, his crew, and the Circle. He had abandoned his home and his people in search of the galaxy. He had set out to help others in need, to keep Drift’s lessons alive and to stop being a coward and make a difference somewhere. 

He had even gained a crew along the way, a crew of misfits he had affectionately called them. Together they had traveled from planet to planet, galaxy to galaxy to provide aid where it was most needed, but after hearing of Star Saber’s betrayal, the destruction of his city. Wing had set out, with Rodimus’ and the Lost Light’s help, to defend the remaining Knights against the combined tyranny of Tyrest and that traitorous self-righteous heathen who didn’t even deserve to be called a Knight. (Not that he was any more deserving of the title) 

In the end, he hadn’t even been strong enough to defeat Star Saber. His lack of faith translated to the Great Sword on his back and he simply lacked the strength or conviction to power the sword and deliver the fatal blow necessary when he had the chance. Dai Atlas had paid the ultimate price for Wing’s weakness, just like Drift had. Both mechs died defending him. He hadn’t deserved it, yet both had cared about him enough to sacrifice their lives for him.

Wing had even failed his crew when he had appointed a new captain and left them to fend for themselves because he was too much of an emotional wreck to properly lead them anymore. He would have been more of a detriment and slowed them down. 

So much spark-break and disappointment. Had he learned nothing throughout the years? Was he so stubborn and thick helmed that his existence was bond to just be a series of mistake after mistake, costing him everything and everyone he cared about? 

Wing was almost too lost in his own self-pity to have felt the servo giving his shoulder a reassuring squeeze as the older mech scooted a little higher on the berth. Golden optics met blue ones full of concern, but also understanding. 

“Kid, I know that look, I’ve had it myself. It’s not your fault. You did everything you could to help him. From what you’ve told me, this Drift was a pretty stubborn bot who had penchant for getting himself into trouble. Hell, I saw a little bit of that the one time we did met in the clinic. You can keep blaming yourself for what happened that day, but I can tell from personal experience, it doesn’t do anyone any favors, least of all you. The guilt will only weigh you down until there’s nothing left of you. In hindsight, it seems like there’s always something more we could have done. Life then becomes a series of ‘If onlys’, or ‘I should haves’ but the fact is that none of us can see the future. We can’t possibly know all the outcomes or variables that will be effected by a decision we make. What we can do is try our best, knowing that there is a possibility that our best may not be enough.“ Ratchet finished as he gave the jet’s shoulder another squeeze.

Wing sat up in frustration as he looked down at the berth with narrowed optics as servos clenched the mesh blanket. He scoffed as he felt nothing but bitterness and resentment eating away at his own spark. “My best cost the people I cared about their lives.” 

“Mine has too kid, but dwelling on the past isn’t going to bring any of them back. It’s time to move on. You can still remember them and honor them by moving forward, by learning from your mistakes, by growing. They would have wanted that for you, and I do too.” Ratchet said as he gave Wing the tiniest smile. 

A choked sound came from Wing’s vocalizer as tears began to stream down his faceplate. “You’re right. You’re absolutely right. Primus, I just….I miss them so much.” Wing felt a sharp pang in his spark as he thought of his fallen loved ones. 

Sobs wracked Wing’s trembling form as he felt Ratchet lean forward and pull him into an embrace. “It’s alright, it’s okay. Let it out.” Ratchet whispered as his servos made soothing patterns against Wing’s back, as he continued whispering reassurances in the jet’s audial. The little gusts of air tickled his plating every time Ratchet spoke.

Wing didn’t know how long he sat there sobbing in Ratchet’s arms, shaking with unrestrained emotions and clinging to the older mech. It could have been minutes or several hours. Ratchet didn’t seem to mind as he continued his calming words and had his field wash over Wing in waves. Wing was slowly lulled into a temporary numbness for which he was grateful for. 

Wing found himself nestling closer to Ratchet, almost in his lap, face buried against neck cables to feel more of the comforting warmth. Wing felt cared for and safe for the first time in a very long time. He didn’t ever want to leave the medic’s embrace. The thought sent both a thrill through his frame and terrified him.

That wasn’t the first time Wing had had that kind of thought about Ratchet, but he had always pushed it aside as being a byproduct of loneliness, and maybe it was? Wing wasn’t sure, all he knew is that right now he didn’t have the mental capability to sort through those kinds of feelings, nor the desire.

Wing shivered as he felt Ratchet’s servo brush one of his flight panels, whether by accident or not he wasn’t sure. Wing unconsciously leaned into the touch to try to get him to brush against it again as he nuzzled and brushed lip components against tender neck cables. 

Wing felt the medic tense slightly and heard something almost like a small intake of air, like a gasp come from Ratchet as he continued to lightly mouth at the cables, glossa flicking against them from time to time. Another light brush to Wing’s flight panels made him whimper and sent a wave of need through his systems. 

The jet pulled back so that he was only a few inches from Ratchet’s face and what he saw there was a mixture of emotions. Wing could feel some arousal and…something else that he couldn’t place his servo on coming from the other mech’s field as he leaned in to close the distance. 

Right before their lips could touch, Wing felt himself being pushed away and held back at arm’s length. Wing couldn't help but feel confused and a little hurt by Ratchet’s reaction. Had he read him wrong? Did he not want him? He hoped he hadn’t offended Ratchet somehow. 

Ratchet’s voice interrupted his thoughts. “Wing, I know you’re hurting, and you’ve been through more than enough today, but what you need right now is to refuel and rest. Doctor’s orders.” Ratchet said as he gave the former Knight a small smile.

“But..” Wing protested weakly. He desperately wanted Ratchet to stay, but truth was that he was feeling extremely drained both emotionally and physically right now. Maybe recharging wasn’t such a bad idea after all.

“But nothing. I’m going to get you some fuel and then you’re going to recharge.” Ratchet said leaving absolutely no room for argument. 

“Okay. Thank you Ratchet.” Wing said as the medic turned towards the door in the pursuit of fuel. 

“You could stay. You don’t have to leave once I refuel.” Wing suggested, a shy hopefulness tinting his vocals. Wing just wanted to be close to the other mech right now, he didn’t want to be alone, just being wrapped in those arms again sounded wonderful, but he didn’t want to be in just anyone’s arms, he wanted Ratchet’s around him. 

Ratchet turned to look at him with mixed emotions again “I don’t think that’s a good idea, kid. Listen, after you’ve had a full night’s recharge, comm me, or come find me in the medbay and we can talk some more if you want, maybe get a drink at Swerve’s.“ He said as he gave Wing another small smile.

“I’d like that.” Wing said with his own small smile in response as his spark swelled with emotion, feeling affection and especially gratitude to have a wonderful friend like Ratchet who was there for him without judgement or making him feel as though he were a burden. 

Ratchet was truly a gift from Primus. He was the beacon of light steadily and patiently leading Wing from the darkness. Hopefully Ratchet wouldn’t get sucked in with him. Ratchet was a strong mech though, and Wing was intent on not letting that happen. Even if it meant sacrificing his own well being to ensure Ratchet’s as all the others had done for him.

Maybe he had learned something after all.


End file.
